It’s been 3 months since social media has been doing a virtual ghoomar around the propaganda of Padmavati. All we wanted (movie buffs and film critics), was to watch a nice sepia tinted epic where history was distorted just enough to our liking and where Mongolian Ranveer Singh would eat flesh with his bare hands. Apparently, on the same earth, exists a fringe group of individuals, backed by India’s most powerful political party, who believe that Rani Padmini would never have danced the way Deepika did in the Ghoomar song and therefore; the only way to solve this non-existent issue, is that Deepika’s nose must be cut off. (Because logic only exists to de-glorify exaggeration)
Before we understand how completely out of hand this terrible PR strategy went, let’s meet the actors:
Norinder Mudi – “I must have Gujrat all to myself”
Sanjay Leela Bhansali – “I will make the same film as long as Deepika can wear embroidered lehengas and twirl”
Lokendra Singh Kalvi – “Padmavati is my mother, so we should burn theaters (because 2 + 5 = dandiya)”
These three star actors of our generation had, alongwith their bands of lackeys (The political circus, all of Bollywood and the Hindutva masqueraders respectively), decided that our plebian lives were too boring. They all decided that they would give us the greatest and longest running show of the season. However, none of them were aware of each other’s plans. Norinder Mudi wanted all the TV channels to stream his impending Gujrat win. Sanjay Leela Bhansali wanted to make everything about his latest swan song. Mr. Kalvi of the Karni Sena decided that he would be the star of November, because of all his great looks, refinement of thought and charisma. Sadly, there is only so much space on the media. So what we got was, a useless, half cooked potluck brunch. Tomato ketchup on an onion salad, with a side of pav bhaji. Bon appetit to all of urban India.
In order to give everyone some perspective, let’s get into the facts.
The karni sena hates the idea of Padmavati, the film. So they will do things such as burning down theaters and cutting off Deepika’s nose. (Do they really think Bollywood actresses have never considered having to go under the knife themselves. Deepika has probably already had portions of her nose cut off. Such empty threats)
Sanjay Leela Bhansali tries to fix everything by organising private screenings of his film to everyone who has a television channel.
His own star cast is so fed up of this unnecessary publicity, that they decide to go off on a break. Deepika attends her old friend’s wedding. Shahid actually fires his personal PR team, and Ranveer Singh begins wearing floral skirts. True story.
The BJP let’s this charade continue because it is giving them some degree of Hindu-Muslim polarization and shadowing all the other relevant problems in this nation. The BJP recently asked Sanjay Leela Bhansali to give an explanation for this ‘ruckus’, to a parliamentary commitee. We believe there will now be a private parliamentary screening. Because apparently, the new trend is to show your films to the bourgeois before the proletariat.
This drama has gone on for so long now, that it makes the Hritik-Kangana controversy seem like a short story. Most people are so fed up with the issue, that they have lost all their previous excitement with regards to the film. As is very evident from their twitter reactions.
— Insignificant Boy !!🇮🇳 (@IamSRK_Varun) October 1, 2017
— To my country and my people, I pledge my devotion. (@melwynm) November 15, 2017
The only people absolutely dying to watch the film are the members of the Karni Sena. They’ve put out all stops. There has been a murder/suicide at the Najafgarh Fort with Padmavati written on a rock close to the body. They’ve persuaded members of the royal family of Chattisgarh to express their displeasure at Deepika’s sari draping style and her ‘uncultured’ dance moves. They’ve even attacked poor Aparna Yadav (daughter in law of Mulayam Singh), for dancing to the song Ghoomar at a family wedding.
All we wanted was a good film to kick off our December. Obviously, the universe contemplated that we must make do with a different kind of entertainment. Substandard to say the least. If Rani Padmini was alive today (if we choose to believe that she was infact, a historical figure and not myth), she would have really had it with all this nonsense.
I give this farrago a 2/5. Deserves no more.
Best performance: Aparna Yadav